Gift Basket

Sally's:

Hair:
Silk Elements Megasilk Heat Protection Spray
Rice powder
Jilbere straightener

Walmart:

Hair:
Hask Placenta Shine gel
Coconut oil for hair and KP
Suave Almond and Shea conditioner
Suave Sleek Shampoo
Tres Two hairspray
 
Makeup:
Old WnW Glassy Gloss
Red WnW lipstick
Milani Luminous
Monistat primer
VolumExpress Mascara
WnW cream eyeliner

Skin:
Glycerin
Tea Tree Oil
Avocado Oil
Hydroquinone
Vaseline
Waterproof tape
Baby powder for setting makeup

?

Hoof nail polish

Dollar Tree:

Skin:
Antibiotic cream
Microfiber washcloths

Makeup:
Contour powder

Online:

Skin:
Acid peels (Glycolic, Lactic, Hylauronic, Salicylic)
Growth Factor
Vitamin CE Ferulic liquid

Makeup:
Coastal Scents palette

Hair:
Gold n Hot or ___ hairdryer

Prescription:

Tretinoin

Guys like a Clear Complexion

I never had a single acne until I was 16, then I turned into a pizza face. Nothing helped (mostly because i am so lazy I never used the treatments). I finally went on Accutane (the Nuclear Bomb of acne-solutions) and it solved everything for 5 years. Then it came back, but its cool because it made me learn about the Miraculous Retin-A (which has literally hundreds of clinical trials supporting its efficacy in reducing and preventing wrinkles, milia, blotchiness, stretch marks... seriously, Google Scholar "tretinoin + photoaging" and you will find dozens of trials showing that it drastically increases collagen production etc.

Also, super effective on acne.




This is how acne is made:
Your cells are constantly turning over and generating new ones. This means that the dead skin cells build up on the surface of your skin unless you slough them off by exfoliating (washcloth and soap is NOT SUFFICIENT).
Your skin has lots of pores and hair follicles, all of which secrete sebum (natural skin oils) to protect your skin. But when the skin flakes and the oil mix, they form a sticky cement that plasters your skin, clogs the pores and follicles, and causes oil to back up inside the pore and become infected.
Thence, pimple. Infection, body sends white blood cells to fight it, white cells then build up inside the pore and can't escape due to the cement, so the infection worsens and the skin SLOWLY re-absorbs the white cells (aka "puss" *shiver* gross).
The fastest way to defeat an acne is to simply lance (with a very thin, sterile sewing needle) open the blocked pore and allow the white cells to escape. Only do this once the spot has formed a white head. Go pretty deep into the pore, like 1/4th of a centimeter. If you are properly lancing, it should barely hurt. Otherwise, you are kind of missing the pore and just cutting your skin, not helpful. This is my biggest problem with this method. Lightly pressing the surrounding area will help in getting the white cells out, but if you push too hard, you will break a bunch of blood vessels and you will get a huge red blotch that will take FOREVER to go away (your skin sucks at reabsorbing stuff, like blood or puss *ew*). Put some alcohol or witch hazel on the spot to prevent re-infection, and some antibiotic ointment on it (like neosporin). Then put a bandaid (or, even better, waterproof tape) on the spot. This will pretty much give you miraculous results over night.

The antibiotic cream helps because it gets rid of the remaining infection in the pore.

To prevent acne, you can attack the pimple-creation process from any of 3 sides:
1) exfoliate the dead skin cells before they can mix with the oil
2) reduce the amount of oil your face secretes (only Accutane can do this)
3) Take antibiotics or apply antibiotic cream to prevent the infections

Easiest method is the exfoliation route. This is why you see all sorts of salicylic acid or benzoyl peroxide scrubs (this is in all the acne products you can buy at the store). That's pretty much the only acne stuff stores sell. Not super effective because the acid content is soooo low. Most effective is benzoyl peroxide cream (10%, store brand) applied morning and night.

BE SURE TO MOISTURIZE A LOT because this helps heal everything ever (studies show!) and it will prevent you from getting all flaky and red and disgusting.

Coconut oil, glycerin, and petroleum jelly and the holy trinity of moisturizers. Put on a thin layers of coconut oil and then use your palms the rub the shit out of your face. This acts as a microexfoliator to remove tons of dead skin cells (mostly if you use a great acid peel/scrub beforehand). You will feel the cells ball up under your palms. It is disgusting and satisfying and prevents blackheads and acne.

I bought 20% salicylic acid peel and "glycolac" (glycolic acid and lactic acid) peels online from "skin solutions" or something (Amazing). $20 each, and by far the most effective way to exfoliate. PLUS tonnssss of clinical trials show that these acids stimulate collagen etc production. I use a little squeeze bottle, put a bunch of glycerin and vitamin e in it, then put a good squirt of each acid in it. Then I squeeze it on the miracle exfoliation cloth I told you about and wipe it on my face, leave it on while i shampoo my hair, then rinse well and rub/exfoliate for a while. Then 5 min after I get out of the shower I spend fucking forever rubbing my face with the coconut oil and my palms and I am amazed and grossed out by how much dead skin comes off. It feels really nice and gets a lot of blood flowing to the skin, which is very healthy for it.

Then lightly coat your face with a little vaseline to lock in the moisture and coconut oil (and glycerin, if you're not lazy) and you will get fantastic, glowing, soft skin in no time.

Also, spot treatments for stubborn spots (usually a combination of witch hazel and salicylic acid) are quite effective. Just remember to moisturize like crazy, and put on the antibiotic cream and cover it with tape (otherwise it rubs off on the pillow. There is legitimately a clinical study supporting how much more effective this is than without the tape. These dermatologists get away with murder, such simple studies!)

I have tons of dark red spots all over my face from "popping" my spots. This is because I suck at lancing. I hope you have better luck than me. But an alternative is to simply lance the white head and then put antibiotic ointment on the spot, cover with tape, and go to bed. This is pretty effective, and wont give you nasty eternal red spots or scars. I'm lazy as fuck and impatient though, so I don't always do this.

So: Exfoliate, peel to encourage collagen production and prevent wrinkles, and moisturize, and you will have amazing skin.

Holy grail secret, however, is Retin-A/tretinoin. All those beauty treatments you've heard about (Olay Regenerist, etc) use the non-prescription/less effective version of this stuff (called Retinol, because it is somehow different, and definitely farrr less effective). But these over-the-counter products have taken the beauty/anti-wrinkle world by storm, so you can only imagine how effective the Real stuff (tretinoin) is!

When you get a prescription from your doctor for Retin-A (they give it out pretty freely, just say you have acne) BE SURE TO ASK FOR THE GENERIC VERSION - CALLED TRETINOIN - it is SO MUCH CHEAPER, and just as effective. Retin-A's patent ran out years ago and the generic stole its invention and sells it for less. Yay!

This. shit. will make you beautiful forever. No blotchiness, no milia, NO WRINKLES, etc.

BUT BUT BUT BUT
It makes you much more susceptible to UV radiation so you MUST MUST MUST put a shit ton on sunscreen on WHENEVER you go out. Even 15 minutes in the sun is enough to fuck it up alot. Studies show that 80% of the aging we see on our faces is due not to AGE but to SUN DAMAGE! Never tan! It simply isn't worth it. If you must, avoid tanning your chest and face, which already get TONS of sun and look all gross and wrinkly when you get old.

Think about it this way - one tanning session will make you look marginally more attractive for about 6 months, but will fuck you up FOR.EVER. Till you die. Like 70 years of damage. Not worth it!!


NOOOOOO SUN DAMAGE. Luckily, big fat sunglasses are in. Get ones with wide sides that protect your crows feet area.

Seriously. You are going to be stuck with this skin for 80 more years. Take a little care of it now, and you'll be hot forever.

You say "I don't burn, I tan! That's ok, right?" It is better, but still very very bad. Your skin produces melanin (brown stuff, makes you look tan) as a DIRECT RESULT of UV damage. A tan is A BAD SIGN.
And that whole "base tan protects you from the sun" thing is kind of bullshit. It produces a natural sun protection factor (spf) of about 4. Worthless, not worth the wrinkles. Just use sunscreen, it sucks but it is the best thing you can do for your skin, even more than -dare i say it?- my beloved Retin-A.

Note:
I used to wonder why wrinkles persisted even though all your cells get replaced. Turns out that when UV radiation permeates into your skin it hits your dna strands and reacts with them by literally mutating them a tiny bit, so that dna forever programs your cells to regenerate all weird and wrinkly. That's why.

On sunscreen: zinc oxide is the most effective. It blocks both UVB AND UVA radiation, and UVA is most of what causes wrinkles. You can even buy at Walmart this little tub (store brand) of "transparent zinc oxide" and that stuff is cool, less unpleasant-feeling than the others, and you can mix it in with your moisturizer. Very effective.

Concentrate your sunscreen on your eyes, forehead, and nose. Dont worry about getting it in your eyes, it doesn't happen very often and its better than getting a fucking tan all around your eyes (like I did) like a fucking raccoon. I am now using fade-cream (hydroquinone, brand Nadinola, found in the ethnic beauty section of Walmart) to try to fix this but it takes forever.

Hey, also? Retin-a helps with dark circles. Nothing else does.

Except maybe Human Growth Factor, a new technology with some great clinical trials backing it up. I bought some. Very expensive, but I hate my dark circles and wrinkles. I bought mine on Amazon.


PERFECT SKIN FOREVER YAY!


Remember to use vaseline at night. It does NOT CAUSE PIMPLES, that's a myth, look it up, every study ever proves it.

Perfect skin care

Exfoliate:
10% benzoyl peroxide
buy the cheap store brand. same damn thing.
Great exfoliator.

Exfoliating cloth:
microfiber cloth (the really absorbent kind. the PERFECT one is at dollar tree in the bath section. literally, PERFECT.)
Doesn't feel like it is doing anything, but you end up rubbing all the skin off your face without realizing it. Careful! Super effective.

Best anti-wrinkle and fix-everything cream:
Get a prescription for Retin-A (ask for the generic, the real thing is SUPER expensive. its the same stuff)
THIS IS WORTH IT. ONLY THING PROVEN TO REDUCE/PREVENT WRINKLES. SHIT TONS OF CLINICAL TRIALS PROVE THIS.

Great creams to sooth your now-exfoliated and red skin:
COCONUT OIL. $1 in the Hispanic section.
Vitamin E oil. Hispanic section.
ALWAYS END WITH A LIGHT COVERING OF PETROLEUM JELLY (VASELINE) BEFORE BED. This is THE MOST EFFECTIVE moisturizer because it keeps ALL THE WATER in your skin. The myth that is causes pimples is TOTALLY FALSE. Clinical trial after trial proves this. And, you know, science.
Glycerin. This shit LOVES water. It will dissolve itself in water it pulls from the air if you put a drop of it in a petri dish. This shit is bananas. It is in every moisturizer and conditioner ever.

Twenty dolla bill y'all

Take a $20, and go to Walmart and Target.


Walmart:
Go to the makeup section and buy:

A lipgloss that looks so shiny you have to blot it or you'll look like a porn star, that stays forever (even through drinking water)
Wet n Wild "Glassy Gloss" in pink (it is way less pink than it looks) - DO NOT BUY IT IF IS HAS A STICKER THAT SAYS "NEW FORMULA" - this means "worse formula, no longer does what it is supposed to"
$3

An eyeliner that will stay on forever:
Wet n Wild creme eyeliner. I tested this on my hand versus all other liners (including revlon, clinique, other liquid liners, lancome, etc). It stayed through washings and a full day.
$3

A great, luminous light concealer that reflects light subtly to cover blemishes and under eye circles:
Garnier under eye roller WITH CONCEALER (this is NOT the green one, it is beige)
$10 :(

Effective lipstain:
Wet n Wild bright red lipstick, cheapo version
Put this on, rub your lips together for a minute, and blot most of it off. This stained your lips reddish/pinkish. Now add your usual lipstick and gloss. This will keep your lips colored for much longer.
$1

The perfect blush:
Milani "Luminous" blush. This is a duplicate for NARS Orgasm, widely held to be the Best Blush Ever that works for Every Skin Color.
$6



These were the Perfect items that I know of. I have other Good/Great items, but I wouldn't recommend them with the strength of a thousand suns the way I recommend these.

All you Lazy Bitches put your Hands in your Hair!

Actually, don't. You are probably just fucking it up by messing with it.

The Why: Studies show that men are highly attracted to long, lustrous hair.


Sneer this with me, please:

"Hair is dead, so how can I make mine 'Healthy'?"

Agreed. You are right, Ms. Sneer.

Note, however, that your nails are dead but if you drag them along stucco walls they will look rather less attractive. "Healthy" is another stupid BuyWord used by companies because it appeals to the Modern Makeup Moron. Replace it with "Pretty" and you've got a (more) honest ad.

You can't give dead keratin Health, but you can make it pretty. This can be achieved using some lovely products, or you can just stop doing the dumb shit that is actually fucking it up, or both. Don't be hurt - they lied to us! It isn't our fault, we've been trying our best, but everyone lied and told us ridiculous things about haircare and that's why your hair sucks.


The SparkNotes version:

Buy hair products with silicones in them (look in the ingredients for long ridiculous names that end up -cone or -xane. The higher up these ingredients are in the list, the better. That means the product has relatively more of them than other crap.)

Put coconut oil in your hair whenever you can afford to look like a filthy hobo. This Old Wives Tale stands out among the rest of them by virtue of being clinically tested and proven so many times that it is redundant.

Do not rough up your hair. Assiduously avoid combing it while it's wet, teasing it, scrunching it while you are shampooing, etc. Your hairs are fragile, and you can and do damage them significantly. Then they get resentful so they split their ends and break off and look shitty to spite you. Your hair is like a bitchy cat - don't pet it in the wrong direction, don't rough it up.




The Physical Hair and how you're fucking it over:

Each strand of your hair is like a long tree trunk, with shingle-like bark protecting its innards. These shingles ("cuticles") surround the delicate innards ("cortex") of the hairs to protect them from the harsh realities of life. Whenever you are rough with your hair (combing it while it's wet, teasing it, scrunching it while you are shampooing, etc) you are twisting and ripping off those bark-shingles. Now your hair strands will catch on each other like velcro and give your mane a beautiful Tangled look because you have turned your hair's protective bark into a million spiky little hooks with which to snag its fellow hairs.

Also, the bark protects the hair's innards ("cortex") which is very weak. If you fuck up the cuticles on a strand enough, the cortex is exposed and its a total weakling so a mere pull on that poor strand and it will break. Girls who find a handful of hairs in the brush each day, you have been unkind to your weak little cortexes by ripping off their protective cuticles.

Brushing your hair does nothing good for it. The old "brush your hair 100 times a day" thing is bullshit from when they had no good products, and it just kind of helped to distribute the natural hair oils over the hair and make it look shinier. Now we have far more pretty and effective products that will do the job better and WON'T fuck up your hair like crazy.

Unless you roll in dirt often, the only part of your hair that needs shampooing is the first inch near the scalp. Your hair appears "dirty" because the natural skin oils from your scalp have gotten onto the roots.

This is why dry shampoos (kind of) work: they are corn starch and talc, which absorb oil like crazy. When you sprinkle these powders onto your roots, they absorb the oil, and now you just have to brush out the disgusting now-oil-soaked-powder out of your hair to reveal "clean," oil-free roots. Yay. I don't love this method because it requires some effort, but if I am in a desperate situation (my hair looks gross and I have a date in ten minutes) I will use it and be grateful for it.

To "wash" the hair, you just need to remove this oil. Soap is the natural enemy of oil, so we use shampoo to lightly scrub the scalp and hair roots and wash away the offending greasiness. Shampooing the rest of your hair is largely unnecessary and kind of bad for it, since soap is an irritant and can damage the hair and leech out your hair color (if you dye your hair). So just gently but firmly rub your scalp with shampoo (like the massage they give you at the salon while they are washing it - actually, just pay attention to how they do it next time, they do it exactly right), and then just swipe the foam down the rest of your hair and rinse it off completely.

Conditioner's only purpose is the coat your hair with some slippery stuff to keep it from tangling up. It contains oily-type things that don't make the hair look greasy, but effective oil-up your hair and keep it from looking scruffy. This is almost completely unnecessary at the roots of your hair (it will actually speed up the looking-greasy-and-dirty process, since it is kind of a bunch of oils) so barely swipe the crown of your head with a tiny layer of conditioner. Massage a huge fucking handful, however, into the ends of your hair. This is where your trickster hairs like to rough-house and tangle up and look gross, so the slippy conditioner will make it hard for them to get tangled up in each other. Also, the ends of your hair have been around the longest, getting abused and beaten up, so this is where your split ends and rough hair is. Conditioner and other "smoothing products" (these are essentially conditioner) just coat this crappy portion of your hair, thus protecting it from further damage and make it look shiny to hide how trashy and straw-like it actually is.

Conditioner does not get "absorbed" into your hair. So letting it sit on your hair for 3 minutes, etc, is useless. They just say that because they (are bastards) don't trust you to gently work the conditioner all throughout your hair and get it coating every strand. This is easier if you splash a handful of water on your conditioner-filled hair and then start massaging. Massage DOWN the shaft of the hair, in the direction that the cuticles naturally lay. Do not attempt to rip your fingers through your matted hair (it wouldn't be matted if you shampooed it properly instead of piling on your head and scrubbing), just massage the conditioner into your hair, and splash more water and more conditioner on as necessary. You can use your fingers to gently separate and comb through your hair, but this shouldn't be a difficult thing if your hair wasn't all matted and tangled up by the shampooing process.

Hey, listen, I'm not judging here. I used to take a comb into the shower with me and comb my conditioner-laden hair to rip the tangles out, which were EVERYWHERE because I was a pile-and-scrub shampoo-er. My hair looked like straw, and this process hurt and took forever. And when I say "used-to" I mean, like, a month ago.

When you rinse out the conditioner, just rinse the crown/roots thoroughly. The rest of your hair would love to keep the conditioner on it. As I said, its the same damn formulation as your "shine" and "de-frizz" products, which you are supposed to leave in. I always apply conditioner to my (wet OR dry) hair ends when I find myself without my other smoothing creams. I have literally put a HANDFUL of conditioner in the last foot of my hair (while it was soaking wet) and just left it in there. It dried into very nice looking curls.

Turn off the water. Now your hair is soaking. But you CAN'T TWIST IT to remove the water,  nor can you PULL it. You're just kinda screwed here. I SQUEEZE the worst of the water out of my hair, then use a microfiber (read: AMAZING HEAVENLY CLOTH THAT EATS WATER) towel to press against my hair and this removes a lot of the rest of the water.

Now your hair is damp. If you didn't wash out much conditioner, then you have lovely protective oils coating most of your hair. This is good, because heat fucks up your hair. If you washed out all the conditioner (>:( stop that now) then you can put practically any product in your hair to protect it from the pain you are about to inflict on it with your blowdryer and evil straightener. Silicones are, once again, a miracle here. "Smoothing," "de-frizzing", "sleekening" products are all perfect. Do not put them on the crown of your head though, cuz it will make it look greasy. A light coat of hair spray would be good for that spot (or a "volumizing mousse" which freaking never work for me). So coat your hair in some kind of protective chemicals, and then you can blast it with heat. But honestly, super high heat isnt that necessary. Medium is usually sufficient, and then use cold air to set the hairdo. (Cold makes the cuticles close up, which is always good).




"What treatments and products should I use to repair my hair?" Yeaahhh, bad news on that one. Pretty much nothing can repair your hair because *ahem* your hair is fucked up because you ripped off all its protective shingles, exposed its tender cortex, which promptly disintegrated and either broke off or turned into split ends or hung around looking shitty and straw-like. I mean, how do you propose repairing that? You can try to heal the cortex (only coconut oil appears to be able to do this - it has the unique triglyceride chain structure that can penetrate the cortex and bond with the structure inside), or you can try to come up with a cuticle-substitute to protect the battered remains of the cortex. Oils, silicones, protein etc, do this. Every "smoothing," "de-frizz," "shine" etc product is just trying to coat your hair and protect it like the cuticles used to.

You can see, then, that while there are a few amazing hair care ingredients that will make your hair waaaay easier to style and nicer to touch, mostly the products are there to make up for the damage you caused to your hair (btw, UV radiation -sunlight- is apparently bad for your hair too. That just seems like whining to me, though, so for now I am ignoring it. I guess I should just drop a tablespoon of sunscreen into my conditioner. I read that works.)

So don't feel bad about your past hair-abuse. You were lied to and misled. And within a couple years you will have BRAND NEW HAIR that you have hopefully fucking up less this time around. In the meantime, some easy, cheap products will fool everyone into thinking your hair is actually "Healthy" instead of the diseased, crying wreck that it is.

Great products:

• Aussie 3 Minute Miracle Deeeeeeep Moisture conditioner/treatment bla bla. Chock full of silicones. Don't need to leave it on for 3 minutes, just need to massage it completely through your hair. Remember, its all about coating the strands.
• Almost all shampoos suck. Srsly, even the expensive ones. Suave Professionals Sleek shampoo has gentler soaps and some nice oils in it, so I am happy with that.
• Coconut oillllllllllllllllllllll. It is solid at room temperature, so you have to heat it up in the microwave or just massage a lump in your hands and it will turn into a liquid. Put that in your hair BEFORE you wash it (preferably for a long time, like for as many hours as possible - but you will look like a disgusting hobo, remember). Great as it would be for your hair to always have coconut oil in it, it is super greasy and you will look grrrooooosss. Always wash it out. I guess, like, a TINY bit in the VERY tips of your hair would be fine, and a pretty good idea since that is the most crappy, damaged hair.
• Any "smoothing" "sleekening" "defrizz" spray or cream with a ton of silicones as the main ingredient. CitreShine's Shine Spray is GREAT for tangly hair, Sally's beauty supply sells a generic version of Redken Antisnap which is very good, Sally's own line ("Beyond the Zone", stupid name) has "Gettin' Creamed" (stupid name) which is awesoooome.

Tips for LazyFucks like me

I want to look Hot. But I am lazy as fuck and I have horrible skin and I am cheap.

Find attached the fruits of several years of research on the Most Effective, Economical, Efficient, and Easy ways to Get Hot.


Here are my personal failings, and how they gave birth to my Method of Lazy Hotness. These will help you understand why I think even LazyFucks and Slobs can use my methods to achieve moderate hotness.

On Looking Your Best:

• I do this rarely and with great reluctance. I am lazier and sloppier than you can imagine.
• I am inconsistent and unreliable. I drop my phone several times a day, every day. I am late for everything. No matter how much I care, no matter how much I want something, I will more often than not shoot myself in the foot if it requires a modicum of responsibility or diligence.

 Together, these weaknesses determine my Method of Self-Maintenance. For me to have a shot at doing something regularly, it must be easier to do that thing (ex: proper dental care) than to do any alternative thing (ex: social banishment via ghastly breath).

On My Goals:

• Females are judged almost exclusively on their Hotness. So, as a utility-maximizing female, I must bow down at the Alter Your Appearance. 

• I find the whole Makeup thing kind of distasteful and a Lie. My bigger goal is to find easy, efficient, effective ways to make you more beautiful and healthy without makeup.

• Makeup, however, is motherfucking Mandatory sometimes. If you always went bare-faced you would be at an unfair disadvantage because Every other woman in the Ever wears it Always. 
• More attractive people are (studies show! links below) more pleasing to look at, get treated better, have better qualities and motives imputed to them, and, of course, get more dudes.   

 And so I have wasted years of research on determining the Most Affordable Makeup that is the Most Effective and Easiest and Fastest.

On Health and Fitness:

• I hate exercise. It is tedious and nasty and I've probably exercised about 30 hours in my entire life. I am currently experimenting with the Go-to-the-Bastard-Gym-and-Text-on-your-cell-while-lazily-doing-leg-lifts method of weight-loss. I will let you know how it goes. 
• I call it "playing on a mat" because I have a visceral reaction against the word "Gym," and their mats reminds me of kindergarten

• I never eat meals. I mysteriously survive on chocolate soy milk, frozen waffles, hot dogs, string cheese, juice boxes, and highly refined corn syrup. My body would resent me deeply, but this abuse is all it has ever known.

• I care about my health, to a very limited and qualified degree. The limit being that I am lazy and eat nothing but carbs. But I am not irrational enough to flagrantly disregard the health of the Completely Irreplaceable bits of my body - the bits you Only Get One of. Teeth, Knees (cartilage never grows back), Spine; those bastards don't believe in second chances.

 To this end, I have reluctantly sought out medical help and advice for my various ailments. I distill here the rare gems of information that the doctors, dentists, and physical therapists sometimes let slip in a moment of distraction.